Sunday, December 20, 2009

Column "B"

Recently, the beloved? leader of the "free world" was awarded a prize.

This was not a good citizen prize, for saving an old lady from certain destruction at the hands of a drunken driving ice cream truck operator, nor was it a grammy/emmy/whateverie award for the performing arts...nope, it was the Nobel friggety Peace Prize!!!  "Well, that sounds great" you say?  "That will look nice on the mantel in the O-office" you say?  "Why not give it to him?"  you ask?

I'll fucking tell you why not.

This man, this president, is a MOTHERFUCKING WARTIME PRESIDENT.  He should be in the column "B" of any list of potential peace prize winners, period.  Column A consisting of any possible person from punk rocker to snail farmer, who could conceivably be in the running for a goddamn peace prize, and column B consisting of those who are involved in attacking or killing of people.  In fact, this man should be somewhere near the top of the list, where people might not miss his being there...maybe say, second or third right below cannibals and dictators who kill their own people.

What, I ask you, has this fellow actually done?  I mean really done?  This prize wasn't just given to him for the accomplishment of being elected, surely?  Perhaps Bill Clinton got one?  Or Dubya? (God I hope not) but I can't really remember what he's gotten done so far, short of a buncha talking and letting Oprah into the whitehouse.  Maybe he's shut down a whole bunch of criminal baby squishing operations in Malaysia?...nope.  Perhaps he's been the spearhead of the down with seasonal affective disorder movement? uh.  Well, clearly he's done something to deserve the nobel peace prize, then?  Raising money for peacie stuff?  Tell me if you've heard about, it because all I've heard about so far is that he's got a tan complexion and a very good reputation in the urban music market.

I don't dislike him any more than any other president, I await his sex scandal just as expectantly as anyone, but perhaps a different award would be more appropriate for someone who is the current leader of the biggest war-source on the planet?  Something cleverly named?  The nobel anti-anti war prize? Or the Jacobsen's-we are nearly getting outta Iraq-trophy and soup coupon?

But what do I know?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas bastards

In all Jerry Seinfeldiness, So what's with the arrogant bastards and the christmas baskets?

I have discovered recently, much to my surprise, I guess, that people (arrogant, self-important, self-indulgent...etc ones) take home baskets that are brought to their work.  Multi hundred dollar baskets brought by clients, or friends of the company, etc.  Not all people who take home christmas baskets are shitheads, mind you, but most seem to be.  These unrepentant fuckeos are known for such wonderful behaviour as; remove huge basket - help co-workers eat smaller basket - take another huge basket home - eat all of another smaller basket.  All one person.  Or, take home the only summammubitchin basket in the whole damn place, and then brag about it...on the air (radio DJ - which stands for douche jam (think toe jam and extrapolate if you will)).

This is amazing behaviour to me, I always feel a little embarassed if I eat candy or something that someone brought for everyone.  I might be a little repressed in that, but to just steal the whole fucking shebonk?  That's excessive.  Isn't this the time of year when everyone's sayin "you should be ...especially at this time of year!!!"  What the fuck is going on??? Is this happening all over?  These people have somehow escaped the snipers.  This must be remedied, IMMEDIATELY.

I am constantly irritated by the commercialization of christmas, everyone's kids come home with "Mom, I've gotta shell out 15 bucks for some unappreciative cock that is in my class due to the new christmas bullshit game - zimbabwean gift exchange -  and you and me will spend 9 hours trying not to kill/be killed in Walmart picking out the fucking present."  There's always some new style of lights to buy, some new greedy system that you must have...etc.   Christmas isn't about grab 'n' go to me, it's about warmth, happy, family, arguments, drinking, morning stocking silliness, and food.

But what do I know?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Roll on bandwagon! Roll on.

In the tiny little town I was in yesterday there is a sign...not unusual in itself, but what the sign says, is. It's a sheet of plywood, painted white, and big black letters say:




That’s it. No explanation, no good grammar, no fucking nothing. Awesome. I love haters, even the retarded kind. Here’s a guy, who despite living like a billion kilometers from New York City in another country, and after said Bush is out of office, and after his replacement as president has gotten himself the Nobel fucking Peace Prize apparently for continuing the war the Bush did, this guy feels like it’s worthwhile to put up a sign declaring what the Bush done.

Does anyone give a fuck? I say nay nay. However :) it’s awfully hard not to get a huge laugh outta someone like that. Bandwagon jumping bastard. “Hey is that a bandwagon going by? No driver, you say? Not going anywhere in particular, you say? Not even really fucking moving anymore, you say? I’m getting on. That’s settled.”

This is one of the weirdest things about small towns. There are people living in them, in nice homes, who would be crazy-ass homeless wild-bearded maniacs wearing sandwich board signs and wandering the streets if they lived in the city. They’re probably local government, in fact.

I have had the pleasure of attending small town government meetings, and it’s a miracle if there isn’t a fistfight before the minutes of the previous meeting are read. Not that there’s that much positive shite happening at city hall either, but it’s a different kind of crazy. The city hallers seem to understand that if they want to accomplish something, however misguided and corrupt, it takes more than a plywood sign and some shitty grammar. You need underhanded funding and pretentious grammar.

On second thought, maybe the plywood sign bandwagon has room for one more…

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I have discovered something about myself.

Maybe it's because I am sleep deprived, or maybe just an idiot, but it turns out I'm almost to lazy to exist sometimes.  For example...I have been trying to blog for weeks, and just can't freakin be bothered.  I come up with witty and interesting ideas, file 'em, and fuck 'em.  I never get around to the actual brutal labour of typing the damn things.  I annoy me.

I have resolved to correct this problem by applying more apathy to it.  I think if I care less, then it won't bother me that I suck.  Also whiskey might be a good solution. Heh.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Aha moment.

I have made an executive decision.  The phrase "aha moment" will be deleted from the human lexicon.  Fuck this saying.  That is all.